27th Oct

Hands felt as though surreal elephants sat on them.
An otherworldly glow on dead leaves.
Headlights.

Stumbling over words.
Choking.
Mutual understanding.

Smiling, smiling, smiling.

At last my love has come along
My lonely days are over
And life is like a song
At last the skies above are blue
And my heart was wrapped up in clover
The night I looked at you
I found a dream that I can speak to
A dream that I could call my own
I found a thrill to press my cheek to
A thrill that I have never known
You smiled, and then the spell was cast
And here we are in heaven
And you are mine at last

- Ella Fitzgerald

24 Hours

Thursday, Oct 26
12:50am - No sign of you. My heart races every time MSN beeps. But it's not you. Not you again. Still not you.

1:50am - Did I miss you because I got disconnected and didn't realise it? No... you just didn't come.

2am - damnyoudamnyoudamnyou

2:15am - Phone beeps.

2:15 and a few seconds - It's not you.

10:30am - I wake up with a strange sense of... loss. I missed you so much I dreamt of you.

3:30pm - Should I sms? Nonono. Bad idea. But should I?

4:30pm - I want to call.

5:00pm - I see a cd. I buy it for you. Pass to you when I've ripped the songs to my com. (Yes, I'm a cheapo.) Will you like it?

5:30pm - Stop thinking about him, you loser.

6pm - I'm tired.

9:30pm - Suddenly, I miss you. Get out of my mind.

10pm - I miss you. Listening to love songs doesn't help. I try to smile. I think about what you said about my voice. Think about your smile. About your voice. About your hands. About your guitar.

10:30pm - Small talk doesn't take my mind off you. Sighs get smothered in a cabin full of strangers.

11:00pm - I despise myself. I remember what you said about paedophiles. Shame makes me weep. Small sobs that fellow pedestrains wouldn't hear.

11:10pm - I want so much to put it in Your hands. Yet, the only thing I can think of is: "What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?"
What do I do now?

Friday, 27 October
12:00am - Watch tv.

12:20am - Tv's tasteless.

12:50am - Still not here.

1:04am - "Get a grip" has just signed in. Is this my sign from God?

Aporia

" - like an endless spiral."
- Mr X

I want to tell, but I don't know what I want out of it.
It just seems pointless.
Nothing we can do about it even if it were mutual.

I want to tell, but it's a gamble with no prize.
It just seems foolhardy.
Nothing to gain, so much to lose.

But still, I wanna tell.

The dark wide mouth of the abyss scares me; but draws me in at the same time.

Like an endless spiral.

Musing of the day:

"It's kinda sweet that you subconsciously trust me enough to let me touch your hair."

Knowing this made me smile the whole day.

Just Friends Then

You'll be my friend if I continue to be yours.
Good enough for me.