Love

"It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all."

I don't know.

I got an email from a friend. I was reminded of how God chose to love. Even if He would lose some people. Even if He would have to pay the price for this love.

How can He love us so much? How can He love me so much?

Sometimes, I think that I can only love because God first loved me.

But even if I love, this love is nothing like God's love. It's selfish. It's conditional.

Love to Elysa is...

... impatient, love is unkind. It is envious, it is boastful, it is proud.
It is rude, it is self-seeking, it is easily angered, it keeps record of wrongs.
Love delights in evil, it does not rejoice with the truth.
It does not protect, it never trusts, it doesn't hopes, it does not persevere.

Love (to Elysa) always fails.

Elysa only soaks up love. She soaks up, but never returns.

She irritates. She does as she pleases, takes what she wants.

The only person she can truly love is herself.

How can God love me? But He does. Why can't I love? Even after receiving God's amazing love. Why?

I don't know. I don't know if I can love, I don't even know if I want to love anyone else but myself.

I'm selfish, stupid, proud.

Some have told me that I need to be dependent on others.

I agree.

But I don't want to be.

Why isn't God sufficient? Why?

Can I just say that it's not time yet? Can I say that I'll think about this next time?

Some have told me to yield to God's will.

ahhahaahahaha....

What's God's will?

If I say that I'm ok if God wants me to get married, is that enough for you?

I won't close up if the option ever presents itself.

Ok?

But I really don't want to love. It's so horrid.

Last saturday, my brother told me that he finds me irritating.

I guess, I've always known.

The stupid, act cute way I talk to him irks him. It would irk even me if i saw anyone else doing it. But, it's the only way I know how to talk to him. How else do I get his attention? Besides, it's fun (for me, at least).

Hans, I miss acting stupid. I'm sorry if it irritates you. I'll try not to do it anymore.

Why is it that the more you give, the worse it hurts in the end? I never want to try, because in the end, it's just stupid stupid stupid.

Someone teach me. Someone help me. It's so ugly... so ugly.