On top of my desk, there's a yellowing picture. In it, there's a man sitting at a table, with a birthday cake in front of him. He's dressed in a white long-sleeved shirt, a red tie, complete with a gold pen that's trying to masquerade as a fountain pen in his left breast pocket. His elbows are resting on the tabletop, his expression...... really hard to read. He has this way of smiling-he doesn't open his mouth to reveal his teeth when he smiles, his lips are just drawn across his face in this line. He looks like he's about to laugh any moment, yet he also looks serene, calm, self-assured, slightly goondoo. His eyes.... I think they were my favourite feature. He's got deep-set eyes which crinkle up when he laughs. Too bad he laughed too little. Especially towards the end.

Dunno how he could have left without saying bye.

Sometimes, I feel angry-angry with myself, angry with him, angry with God- Why didn't I get to say goodbye? Why couldn't he hang on for that little bit more? Why did God take him away but leave me here?

Dunno why I was such a crappy daughter

I miss him so much-miss the times he'd sit by me while I cried for not being able to do factorisation, miss the ugly singlet and shorts outfit he'd wear in the house, miss having him in the same room as me, reading newspapers while I did my holiday homework.

Dunno why this must happen to someone else.

I can't do anything-Can't hug her, can't tell her how much I care, not even sure telling her how much I care would help, can't give her what she needs the most, can't give her back her daddy, can't lessen the shock, can't relieve the shock.

But I know that God has His reasons.

I know that-it was as painful or even more painful for God to let Jesus die on the cross for my sins, that everything will turn out for the best, that she will become stronger, as I did, and that one day, she will be able to bring this same encouragement to someone else.